(Gen) Zod's Property

(Gen) Zod's Property

This is not a made up or even embellished tale. This happened to me yesterday morning and since it actually happened to ME I have no other choice than to accept the evidence of my eyes and admit I was wrong. There is a God. Which means I am fucked. Oh and it's the Jehovah' witness version of God so I'm like fucked to the Ninth Circle of Hell.

So I'm sitting in my living room writing, enjoying an episode of I Almost Got Away With It on Discovery ID when I hear a knock on the door. Dewyne looks through the peep hole and tells me it's three or those Jehovah folks. Now living in an apt complex next to a major highway means we get a lot of this. I have a typical little Shtick I do when they come calling. Typically they knock on the door and start talking to me about their beliefs and I tell them “My invisible magical friend is better than your invisible magical friend” tell them have a nice day and shut the door. On the two other occasions I did this they either laughed and walked off or just walked off. Either result was the result I was looking for so cool. The only time I don't do that joke is if the witness is really really old or really really young because I'm not an asshole, I'm a smart ass. Well on this particular day D was here and didn't believe me when I told him this is how I handled annoying Jesus freaks. So I answered the door, and this 40 something lady goes “good morning (9am Sat) I don't want to take up too much of your time” and I stopped her “don't worry you won't, my beliefs are My magical invisible friend is better than your invisible magical friend” and she was nice and she laughed and as she attempted to say something else I gently shut the door. So my friend laughed and I went back to my writing and not 5 mins later we hear this massive pounding on the wall from the apt next to us. It sounded like someone was nailing a picture on the wall but that could not be right because nobody lives in the apt next to me (just how I like it). So I peep out the curtains and see a moving truck and a black truck with the plates Gods Property. Now at this point I'm confused. Is the Gods Property car my new neighbors? Its parked where my new neighbors would park. Does the Gods Property car belong to the Jehovah's witnesses I insulted? Oh god can you imagine having a Jehovah witness as a next door neighbor? What if at the start of every day when they go out knocking on doors they start with you because your right next door? I know I would, it's logical. After 6 months of this I might become a Jehovah's witness just to stop the constant knocking every morning. Is that what is happening did I just insult my new Jehovah witness neighbor who was simply trying do her job/meet her new neighbor all in one fell swoop? Or did the God's property plate simply mean a member of Kirk Franklin's former choir that he screwed over for royalties has fallen on hard times and moved in my complex because this is a hard time complex. As my mind reeled I saw a man and woman unload some cloths from the Gods Property car. So it seems they in fact were not the witnesses I ran off but the car apparently they borrowed from the lord.

So later that day I went to take the trash out and low and behold the Gods property girl happened to come out of her apt just as I was leaving. So I introduced myself and welcomed her to the hood and the first thing she says to me, I kid you not is “praise god” which is a nice thing to say however if it's the very first thing you say to me after I introduce myself and welcome you I have a feeling we won't be having morning coffee together. So since I have no control over visceral reactions and since she didn't seem to want to say hello or what the hell her name was I looked at the Gods Property plate and I go “So does God allow you to borrow his car often or is he all “write down the mileage and replace the gas about it” and she goes “oh baby I”M Gods property not the car. That's ME” (loudly) and I go “hey I can relate. I freakin LOVE Superman 2 and at times I think of myself as Zods Property and she looked at me like I just spoke in Latin and I walked off. Until that happens in front of my friend he probably won't believe that one either.

So the lesson I learned is this. If you make fun of a knocking Jehovah's witness to their face twice and no one else is home it's cool. Now if you you do it a third time (everything is threes with these people) with someone else home then five mins later a person with license plates that say Gods Property will move in next door to you and only be able to muster “God is good” and praise Jesus” as a conversation offering. It's like that movie The Ring. So apparently God is real and is of the Jehovah variety and has a sense of humor and I'm completely fucked. Oh Happy Easter!